Model: self-awareness onion

January 3rd, 2021


3 layers

  1. understand your own emotions

  2. why do I feel those emotions

  3. personal values & success metrics



(1) understand your own emotions


There is probably more work to be done on this level if you ever:

Why are you so angry?



Do you know what you feel?

Do you know in the moment?

Can you name the feeling?

How nuanced can you name it?

This is related to Model: 6 aspects of empathy's 2. Empathic Accuracy



(2) why do I feel those emotions

This is a whole other level.

And this is made extra difficult, because Model: emotions create thougths

And requires to dig past the thoughts generated by emotions, until you find what actually caused those emotions.



(3)personal values & success metrics

Why do I consider this as success / failure?

By what metric do I judge myself and those around me?


Do I value being a good friend?

Do I measure how good of a friend I am bythe number of times a friend calls me for help?


What if my friend never calls me for help?

That means I am failing as a friend!

I should feel horrible.

I do feel horrible!


But is that a good metric?

There are multiple options for metrics:

  • the number of times a friend calls me for help

  • the number of visits I make per year

  • the number of times I think about them

  • how much I know about their personal life

  • I am among the first to know about important things in their life

  • how much fun we have when we're together

  • how much I believe that if I needed them, they would be there for me

  • ...


The author goes on to say that the healthiest metrics are things you can control.

So metrics about your own behaviour.


(src: Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck - Mark Manson)