3 layers
- understand your own emotions
- why do I feel those emotions
- personal values & success metrics
(1) understand your own emotions
There is probably more work to be done on this level if you ever:
Why are you so angry?
I AM NOT ANGRY!
Do you know what you feel? Do you know in the moment? Can you name the feeling? How nuanced can you name it? This is related to Model: 6 aspects of empathy’s 2. Empathic Accuracy
(2) why do I feel those emotions This is a whole other level. And this is made extra difficult, because Model: emotions create thougths And requires to dig past the thoughts generated by emotions, until you find what actually caused those emotions.
(3) personal values & success metrics Why do I consider this as success / failure? By what metric do I judge myself and those around me?
Do I value being a good friend? Do I measure how good of a friend I am by the number of times a friend calls me for help?
What if my friend never calls me for help? That means I am failing as a friend! I should feel horrible. I do feel horrible!
But is that a good metric? There are multiple options for metrics:
- the number of times a friend calls me for help
- the number of visits I make per year
- the number of times I think about them
- how much I know about their personal life
- I am among the first to know about important things in their life
- how much fun we have when we’re together
- how much I believe that if I needed them, they would be there for me
- …
The author goes on to say that the healthiest metrics are things you can control. So metrics about your own behaviour.
(src: Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck - Mark Manson)